dimplelicious

2009-11-30T23:41:00.002+08:00

HeyHeys!

Finally I'm back to my blogging lifestyle.. =)

Let's start off with my daily lifestyle now.. most of my time are at ntu hall.. pei my dearest deardear.. we spend almost all our time together.. breakfast and dinner and slp time.. =) day time is usually when i'm at work pia-ing my work before i have to ot at night..

we rely on each other.. for food for transport for companion for every little things.. we overlook very small minor details but we are very happie right now.. there's a point in time when the week we dun get to see each other at all during the wkday.. it was tis pt of time when he start to be very caring n things are really sweet.. but i'm feeling quite blessed too.. having him by my side almost during all my free time.. =)even tho there may be some time i really wan to go do my hair and do sm shopping for myself.. =P

As for work, i really feel so cheated yet i'm still willing to slog my life for the,.. my wkends and evening time are usually burnt.. seriously.. i'm upset.. i need a job that has better welfare.. =)

alrights.. i shall keep things short for today.. let's hope i have the time to do my hair soon.. hahas =P

2009-04-21T13:23:00.002+08:00

i tot i really want a person who can understand me n just sayang me no matter how strong i appear to be.. but i realise maybe i'm not born to be such a person.. i'm not born to be sayang by a loved one.. or maybe i just cant feel it..? cos he evreything oso hahaha.. doesn't matter..

2009-04-21T12:52:00.002+08:00

hmm.. i'm kind of tired..
i really wanna hide smwhr..
even tho he offered a place for me,
i still dun feel good.
it has always been the place i want to hide at.
but now, it's not a place i wan to hide at.
for MANY reasons.
bcos of our relationship,
all the more i feel i cant hide at his place.
suddenly the feeling of helplessness againn
i really wan to own my place.
i dun wan to haf so much problems.
can we really settle this problem soon n lead our own peaceful life?

2009-04-20T23:26:00.002+08:00

hmm.. was toking to my mummy..
now i realise,
is this really what i want?
even tho i noe i'll be a little bu shuang about?

cos i'm starting to see all the possible future prbs again!

i noe it's ntg wrong for him to think that way.
but maybe it's just not what i truly wanted.
the kind of relationship that i wanted only occurs in dramas.
i'm just living in a world on my own, hoping that time can change him.
age will affect one's thinking. i doubt he's the kind.
settledown? nope he has never tot about that.
hearing ppl having so big views about their future.. i start to ask what's my future?

n when i dun haf an ans, cos my ideal future n his future doesnt seem to coincide at all.

on the brighter side,
u can say we both haf the same views.
happie, tat's most impt.
but apparently i wan to be happie so much so that i become unhappie =(

am i really just soo wrong to bring this up when i noe he's not changing a tinge bit of his opinions? his dreams? cos everything also not very impt?

read this newspaper article just now.
it says, husband dun need wife. children cry, husband oso dun care. it's time to gif hope on him.
n honestly, my hopes has been dashed long time ago. just that i hide everything behind me. dun wanna go think abt it. tot it'll be good for the both of us. but hiding behind doesnt mean forget~!

do you really need me in your life?
if no ( which i highly think it's this, but i just wan u to say it out from your mouth n i'll be heart dead. i'll let u go!!!), pls tell me. end the sorrows early before things get deeper n more complicated.
if yes, i'll be glad i'm still someone whose world n ur world is still the same one.

hmm times like this is redundant. i shudnt even haf tot about it. but i just dun wan to regret in the future. to be wif someone who doesnt really love me alot alot, like loove of his life.. n deprive me of any other chance of letting someone who loves me alot alot n does alot for me n plans the future for me to be with me.

i noe
even how many more years down the road,
his tots will never change.
am i on the right track? leading to my beautiful future?

i haf no other complains about him just that i dunno y i so bu shuang.
i'm veri insecure.
maybe not cos of the gers, but he himself.
to say he's not showing that he cares, it's wrong oso.
cos indeed he tried to care the slightest bit.
just that it's not like those in the drama wher it's really hong hong lie lie.
sad means sad
hppie means happie
i tink he's just a monotonous feeling guy.
right?

whenever i tried to ask myself qns.
i shud be able to come up wif the ans.
but trust me, i always noe his ans.
it doesnt rally bother him.
it doesnt matter.
hence all the time, for the sake of hearing super negative stuff from him just to end the relationship these few times. it's just ntg. u noe, "what's the point if...?" this sentence has given me the courage.. after so many times.. upon hearing this again, i will choose the path. cos if i really mean ntg to him. no point holding so tightly.

from yst until today, i've been trying very hard to be normal. but smtimes i haven sort out my tots i just dun wanna force myself to tok to him. hmm.. now everything kinds of repeated n i once again convinced myself that i shud be a nice gf n not disturb him during his exams. tho to him, it's not a disturbance at alll bah.. yupyupp..

so bu gan xin!!! =(
let's hope i can haf the super big heart to compromise n accomodate him for a long long time!

2009-04-20T23:24:00.001+08:00

mood: blankhmm.. things are just so damn screwed up these days.. it's so true that there's nothing much worth living in the sorrow.. for i noe, there wun be someone to wipe my tears away..when tiredness n when the body n the brain cant take, they just break down.. n online shop is a difficult thing to start when i dun noe anyone who can provide help.

2009-04-20T23:23:00.001+08:00

mood: blah
oh wells it's my b'dae today n i dun a tinge bit of excitement..izzit always lidat when it comes to the same topic?when someone is not very keen abt it, the person will not even probe or even discuss any further?n does that just means he doesnt know what he wans? he doesnt really love that person so much so that he doesnt see a beautiful future?a person who keeps toking abt the future.. is someone who really yearns for a nice beautiful future.. but someone who doesnt, wha doesit mean?the person that u wish to haf dinner wif the most always dun rmb to confirm wif u until the last few moments. they alwasy take it for granted. that we will ask them again? cos they are forgetful? cos we r not so impt in their mind? it's just an obligation?having the same dreams of a relationship..when someone dun even dream about a relationship in the future, does tat mean it's hopeless?i'm faking myself.. even tho i really wanna tok abt stuff tonight,i'm holding back alot..but i still tried toking abt it..so stubborn right.. hahasperhaps up till now,i've been behaving so weirdly cos i noe stg..we both dun share the same dream..that's y those insecurities set in too..maybe we shud really consider a break up n nt waste each other's time?i shudn't really cling onto u anymore..it appears to be a small thing to haf the same dream to them,but it's a big thing to us..it seems to be so substance-less in a relationship..sudenly everything tat we've been thru..i haf no image of them..the future that i always hope to haf..not anymore.. hahasi tink i'm just gg to be damn disappointed.. really! trust me! we shall see in the time to come!!!!n i shall reveal this big disappointment when the time comes!!!i shall REN!!!

2009-04-20T23:22:00.000+08:00

mood: sad

hmm tot alot today..
feels that i'm not happie at all.. since yst.. all the time i shud say..
perhaps when things are happie and hid the truth n reality well behind, i'll still be happie..
u can say i'm stubborn or whatever..
but r u doing justice to me?
i tink this will keep repeating.. i dun wan till a point when i'm tired of repeating n repeating n i lose the love for somebody..
i might as well end it now?!?!
cos to me,now i'm jus trying to heck care as much as possible too..
n it makes me feel super horrible..
can anyone just tell me what i shud do?

2009-03-30T15:24:00.002+08:00

shagged.. 4hours non-stop n i'm tired... really super tired.. i really wish to lie in bed now..

n for GOODness sake, i'm ignoring alot of stuff.. dun wanna think about anything n just chiong for these 4 to 5 days.. i really nidta mug.. cos i'm not that a clever ger afterall.. but i nid a break in between.. =( after long hours of studying! =)

hmm.. ppl are chiong-ing like 2 weeks before exam.. but i'm chiong-ing like 1 mth before the exam.. am i really nuts??? -.-

livejournal is down.. saddened.. =(
or smbody hacked my acc.. =(

rational thinking -adopted from KLES-

2009-03-25T22:31:00.008+08:00

for a while i tot of stg
i always tried to make the effort to go ntu
so that i can see him more
but did he appreciate it?
by maybe suggesting he'll keep me company by forgoing the play play session?
when he had no choice but to go for training, he had once left me alone to cry by myself.
during pageant, he can think for his disney family cos they purposely go down, booked a room tog to support him. so he must be there.
aren't i supporting him by saving him a trip to my place? pei-ing him study?

sometimes he just unconsciously or insensitively or shun bian-ly forget about "me"...
hmm.. sometimes this kind of thing it's not whether u wun think of it or not deardear.. is whether u wan to appreciate the people beside u or not.. if everything oso i say, might as well i'm having a relationship with myself only?

n today, i'm so worried that yst we tok abt so many things that he can forget abt stg very impt that i said which i'm very concerned...
u noe if u haf ur own thinking n i haf mine n it doesnt coincide at all, or u haf ur own freedom n i haf my own freedom not questioning abt each other, or meeting once a week, or tok for only a few hours, or like strangers lidat, is this really a relationship or just friend friend?

earlier tots about how we began floats in my mind.. u cud tok to me abt melissa.. not like "she damn fucked up" kind of thing.. u never said that too me before.. not those nasty stuff.. so i wonder what kind of nasty stuff will u say to ur frens when we haf sm hiccups.. y cant u just tok to me about it or maybe tok to me abt it like after u cool down or stg? tat's y i really dun understand y u cud open up everything to me in the past.. but recently things start to change.. n when i tried to find solutions for u n melissa.. i never questioned she's a bad ger nor input negative stuff about her. i just hoped that u cud haf a nice tok wif her, thrash things out, maybe she's just doing things to grab ur attention.. there cud be stg tat's gg on but u duno.. wanted u to find out from her.. hope that uall can tok things out.. solve whatever problem that exist.. isnt this what u loved about me?

i wanted to haf a long chat wif ya tonight about these. but i'm just so afraid things might be screwed up again. so these are my tots.

PEEPTOM! dun read le never say anything hor.

there's always http://www.stupstupnpigpig.blogspot.com/ =P

another attempt to communicate

2009-03-25T10:56:00.008+08:00

*edited*

wells,
the real nightmare as finally began.
friends comments can affect a relationship very much.
tat's wad i've always believed, for every single relationship.
i've seen how friends ruined relationships.
just by their unthoughtful remarks.

nightmares nightmares!

hearing those comments,
~~i suddenly wonder if they are gers or not, if they are just too young to know anything.~~
if it's happening on their bfs,
i wonder how they will react.
i just realised y their thinking is so different from mine.
if u say i dun haf trust in u, so be it. cos u alr dun trust tat i haf trust in u, so wadeva i say will be useless.
n for them, it's not that i dun trust u. but i dun wan to create any chance for such things to happen n i dun feel comfortable about it lahr.
if u r really that hungry, i'll help u stock up cup noodles in ur room kies.. haha..
in hall, it's just so easy to let THINGS happen. u never noe!
n for them, if they haf a bf staying in hall. going out for supper wif a ger alone at 12.30am, will they be comfortable about it? n if there's once, there'll be twice, n so what will they do?
for me, i'm just doing my part. but quarrelling was not expected. i din expect such a small thing to volcanoe-d into such big ting. perhaps i shudnt use the word quarrelling. we din quarrelled. but some how the communication took place in a teary way for me. seriously without the communication part, will this relationship last? or i'll be keeping everything to myself until the day i cant keep anymore?
for u, if i'm the one who stay in hall today and go out for supper wif a guy alone at 12.30am, what will u do/think?

n to begin with, u din even discussed with me to stay hall or not =)

sometimes i think we lack the pre-relationship part, to lay down certain expectations. maybe it'll just helps if we had do so.

din slp well last night.
how i wish there's smbody there last night for me.
sayang me n help me to slp.
isnt tat a wonderful thing if there's such a person.

hmm. i'm really tired now.

2009-02-01T23:55:00.000+08:00

All love shifts and changes.
I don't know if you can be
wholeheartedly in love with me all the time.

2009-01-21T00:49:00.003+08:00

it doesnt mean tat i call u back all the time in the past means i will call u backk all the time in the future.. if it's the kind of mentality he has right now.. i hope he better get it out of his mind.. cos he doesnt noes the terrible waiting for someone to call.. if tat's the kind of life u wan.. so be it mann.. i tink he shud find a person who can tolerate tis for life...

it's not tat i wan to flare u noe.. but tis kind of ting has been perservering for a long time.. yet i'm always the one who doesnt wan to let go n call him back.. seriously.. i'm sick of it.. so be it lahr.. dies? dies lor.. dun call dun call lor.. it's not nothing.. it just shows how much u expect from me too.. expecting me to call u backk all the time.. doing ur stuff without having me in ur mind at all.. what a sucker!

haiz.. i knew i wun be able to take it after last week.. tis is bad.. at least there's still one week of happiness.. tat onli one week which i noe where he is n he's always putting me in his mind.. planning everything properly.. after last week.. i haf no idea what's his plans.. i want so much to see him.. yet i wan to study.. the silly me will do silly tings.. n SHIT! i hate it!

called twice no answer.. he's gonna tell me he's charging his phone n left it in the room n hEllo.. he called me once onli.. din even bother to call again kies.. so be it! I SHALL NOT TOK TO HIM TONIGHT N EVER AGAIN IF HE DUN BOTHER TO CALL THREE TIMES TONIGHT.. OR EVERY NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-01-20T23:41:00.001+08:00

hmm.. feeling totally SUCKY!!!

totally dun like today..

2009-01-19T23:10:00.004+08:00

hmm.. been super hardworking today.. studied non-stop.. i'm dead beaten now.. i wish i can laze around n do ntg... the brain has been over-used today... =) =( hahas..

hmm... felt so weird today.. despite the fact that he was here wif me until tis morning.. but good things seems to end fast.. how i wish he's always ard me.. so tat i can hug somebody whenver i like.. n fall into his arms.. it's like the most comfortable ting i wish for.. instead of onli my comfy bolster, turtle n bed, it will be good if he's here too.. hahas..

~~alrights.. before i start emo-ing again..~~ i feel so happie n good to haf yst.. n yst yst.. n yst yst yst.. n yst yst yst yst... n yst yst yst yst yst.. ... n many more..

hmm.. finally had my steamboat which ended like 24 hours ago.. wif xy, sky, my parents, brother n of cos k who was the latest lahr.. din help to do the preparation work.. but he helped to wash the dishes.. *winks* good thing he's late.. cos i'm really super tired after all the preparation.. so i'm glad he's here to help me wash the dishes.. always get the drinks n stuff.. n never stop filling my bowl.. i'm like eating eatin N EATING.. NON_STOP... goodness... i was damn fULL lahr.. hahas..

we spent like 2hrs at sheng siong to buy stuff.. end up hahas.. the pork almost got cheated lahr... $9 minced pork, we just threw it back to the shelf n got the 4.50 one.. it's like half price leh..!!!! goodness.. hahas..

hmm.. looking at how sky does the tings.. i tink he's not tat a bad guy after all lahr.. at least he showed a good side of him yst to prove that he's at least got a passing mark to be qualified to be wif xy.. hehehehe.. how he bao-ed the wanton.. it's like so professional.. n he insisted on bao-ing tat pattern himself.. hahas.. n he cuut the water chestnut even tho he said he din wan toooooo.. but hahas... in the end he's the one doing everything.. hahas..

xy was here whole day finding tings to entertain herself even tho we were playing mj.. good thing she never complained bored.. end up she played wif joel too.. n baileys tat she brought.. i tink i'm in love with baileys n chocolate milk.. hehehehe..

OH. I MUST SAY TIS.
I WON MONEY AT THE MJ YSST BUT K DEARDEAR LOST!!! WAHAHAHS..
I STILL HAVE THE BRAINS TO PLAY MJ ONE KIES.. N MY LUCK NOT BAD TOO.. HEHEHEHE... =p SO STOP BOO-ING ME WHEN I WAN TO PLAY MJ.. =p

hmm.. i shall stop asking ppl to eat steamboat.. hahas.. cos i'm really sick of it le.. wahahas.. 2 times i tink enuf le... next one shall be outdoor barbeque... WAHAHAHS.. cy n bf better come sia.. hahas..

hmm.. tis week's gonnabe a busy one.. may not see him as much as last week liao.. sigh! but nidta get started studying too.. will he pei me study? hahahahahas.. hmm.. aiya.. shall see how yahr.. not having alot of hopes.. cos i tink tis one n half wks quite busy for him.. yupyup.. shall make use of the time to mug myself bah.. yupyup..

SIGHS! nose hurts like hell so irritated... n the throat too.. i dun wanna feel feverish.. but i haf a feeling tat feverish night's gonna come again.. =(

hmm.. okies.. i'm super tired tired.. shud i go to slp? or study study? hahas.. -.-

n i tink i noe wad to gif him for V's day le.. wahahahaas.. need to start saving for next month..

2009-01-17T23:27:00.002+08:00

hmm.. morning juz cudnt wake up at all.. darn sianZ.. bed is just too cosy to slp in.. bolster super good to hug.. just wanna lai chuang.. hehe..

hmm.. woke up dilly dally wait for k to come over.. den went to tis temple to bai bai.. cos he wan tat niu niu.. a super cute niu niu.. hahas.. he STRESSED when he say cute.. it means really cute.. hahas.. yup.. n we were idiots to baibai kind of tings.. ~~so we~~ it's onli me who gei kiang bring him around to baibai.. hmm.. got xin can le hur.. the order of which one first.. hehe.. i really duno.. but pretty sure all alr baibai before le.. hahas..

hmm.. had korean food for lunch n hor fun.. hmm.. disobedient kid again.. never abstain from chilli.. still finish all the soup.. goodness.. -.-

studied the whole day in his room.. hmm.. it was kind of fruitful given tat short time onli.. hahas.. n "de green armpit ger" just appear dunno from wher lahr.. tat stupstup kept laughing n laughing.. like NON-STOP can.. BAD boy! hahas..

hmm.. den went over to his place for dinner.. got a box of chocs from his sis.. the hawaii honeymoon trip.. hmmm den dey were looking at the photos.. omg.. i tink i dun wanna be so troublesome next time leh.. maybe the traditional stuff will keep but dun tink i'm the kind who can handle so many ppl in one day.. i'm just gonnabe dead tired n my face will totally gif way too.. hahas.. i'm bad at entertaining ppl.. -.-

hmm.. went amk hub.. bought sago stuff..
wasnt really a happie one initially.. so angries lahr.. keep flicking n flicking.. said stg wrong onli jiu lidat le.. hmm.. den he kept drag on n on.. wad ever i do oso no use.. yahr.. he's joking onli lahr.. hmm.. but he stepped my shoes.. i'm damn pissed.. i'm pissed at ppl who stepped my shoes hard.. i really cant stand the after effect.. so i will gif blackface n onli black face.. =P

hmm.. but i'm amazed wif his super many bushes of pandan leaves.. goodness.. lidat next time i dun need to buy anymore pandan leaves.. my mummy was like dey grow demselves? she's happie in a way.. i can sense it.. hahas..

hmm..i tink every now n ten i'm gonna remind him.. drive carefully.. dun fall aslp.. hahas.. hopefully it's gonna help a bit..

alrights hope the niu niu let us haf more n more money!!! hahas..

2009-01-17T04:07:00.002+08:00

oh one ting forget to say.. i sat on his shoulders for a long long time to finish watching all the halls' cheerleading performance.. hahas.. *argh.. never take photo* hahas.. hmm.. yup he was perspiring all over.. if i haf the strength, i'll let u sit on my shoulders too.. hahas.. =P

hmm.. it's 4am and it has passed my slping mode.. so cant get to slp easily.. been slacking away too.. never study liao..

hmm.. last night i tot he wun come over too.. cos duno.. fri nidta take bak kua? thurs night still got briefing n i tot he has the intentions to play mj last night... one major reason y i tot he wun come over.. but still he came.. hmm.. he was sick.. as in really sick.. blocked nose, uncomfortable throat.. in the middle of the night he was coughing quite badly n his body was burning hot lahr.. refused to take medicine.. n i din manage to cuddle close to him last night.. COS whole night was trying to make space for him, make sures he can get to slp easily cos he really needs lotsa n lotsa rest.. ended up i was slping at the edge of the bed.. hahas.. hmm.. i managed to balance the whole night n slpt quite okie too.. so not that bad still. tot if cannot wan to go slp on the floor le lahr.. hahas.. cos dun wanna wake him up too.. wait he cant get back to slp..

and today he discovered two ulcers.. hhaashahas.. see lahr.. ask him drink water.. eerything dun wan.. wad a disobedient boy..

he was slping like until 2pm? hahas.. slpt all the way.. cooked porridge for him.. n he still went out wif me to buy stuff to go with the porridge.. cos my house has practically nothing! hahas.. hmm.. drove him out lahr.. lazy sick pig.. hahas.. he was enjoying the ride sia.. =)

FIVE COMBOS!!!
tis weeek is really damn good.. i see him everyday!!
perhaps it's cos he has the car.. next week onwards tink cant haf so high hopes le..
all these MEGA COMBOS will haf to be kept as good good memories..

saw charles commented about the photo.. it's just so sweet of him..
hope the right one for him will appear soon..

hmm.. start to yawns..
better get onto bed n slp.. otheriwse dun need to slp liao.. =)

2009-01-15T20:16:00.003+08:00

last night was the showdown.
they were great n pulled of many stunts, tough ONES... (except for some =( which costs them to win nothing), hall 1 supporters really dere! damn looud! hahas. tho they may not have prepared alot of stuff like cheers, instruments.. but they brought along poms pomss which nobody actually used.. hahas.. hmm took a vdo of the whole ting, n many pictures of PEOPLE.. hahas.. happies..

hmm.. yst was the "try" i wanted to... hmm... tot tings will be damn screwed up.. but oh wells, it's all good n great n WONDERFUL.. the story was lidat..

k came to look for me n tok to me after his performance.. after awhile i turned back n tok to him again.. to tell me my phone dropped into the toilet bowl.. damn sad.. n E onli noes my phone kena water, so she was shocked to hear tat too.. den asked K to buy me a omnia, he say he will tink abt it.. but my phone alr went into de toilet bowl, his reluctance to buy me phone made me say tis "i dun wan to tok to u anymore le" hahas.. but tat time, N was alr on his shoulder.. hmm.. tat scene just reminds me how badly tings might end for tat night.. so i just ignore n continue watching the rest of the performance lor..

wells, good thing is he noes it's abit wrong too.. it's good to hear him say those stuff to show actually his gf still gt some di wei in his heart one.. not bad not bad.. tink tis is really the first time, tings haf gone so smoothly too.. neverending warmth for the third day.. it's like triple COMBOS! hahas..

n today
cos last night really damn late le.. wan him to go catch some slp.. he's veri tired alr.. so yupyup.. see so good lor.. tink for him.. hmmm so today i kapo-ed his car.. i'm so glad my house n his skool is just so near.. i realised it's pointless for me to stay near to his house cos he's always in hall.. in any case, went back to return him de car, n he still fetched me to tuition... hmm.. it's just damn too good.. four comBOS already... wheeS!

let's hope tings are good all the way...

hmm.. family n tuition.. i tink they are the worst part of my life now.. i seriously tink my dad still has the intention to screw everything up.. n tat tuition kid omg.. i like toking to wall whole day lahr.. she dun like me n i dun like her.. shit mann.. y lidat!?!?! perhaps after today no more tuition alr sia.. hahas..

hmm.. i just love my deardear.. brought me much happiness tis wk.. let's hope tis week is a good one....!!! =) n the many more weeks to come..

2009-01-14T17:51:00.003+08:00

when i heard tat he might be invited to the skool team,
i was like "OMG' in the heart.

just cos he has the built, dey just invite dem.

honestly, i really duno. for a moment i tot shit it's gonna be really OMG.

but then, he said he might drop cheerleading tis yr. am i suppose to believe him? cos he say it's taking up toomuch of his time during hols. but everytime i believe him, i will end up in disappointment. when i dun, he'll surprise me. it makes my emootions veri fluctuating n it's unfair of me to treat him in the way when i dun believe him. n it just upsets everything too. so if i follow his logic, whether i believe u or not i will be upset, so i dun believe lahr? hahas.. nah.. nonsense i noe.. wells, i'm quite slpy now actually.. but wad o do his showdown is today le yea...

hopes everything goes well.. no injuries n accidents..

2009-01-14T01:34:00.005+08:00

it's just times like this:
whenever i wan to learn to trust u truely, sm tings will just happen..

had been really pampered for the past two days.. even if everyday being pampered, i wun get sick of it... =)

2009-01-13T22:37:00.004+08:00

hmm.. was feeling bad for deardear to come down to pei me eat dinner.. cos the jam back there was quite jialat.. but i just dun hafta eat dinner alone.. happies!!

and i realise stg, the amount of slp he's getting is really too little for the past two nights.. n on the third night which is today which is he's alr very shag day i still ask him to pei me eat dinner.. hmm.. poor him...! -.- but tis is de onli wk tat he can use de car too.. otherwise he wun come over to pei me eat dinner oso leh.. =( hehe!

n sun he came over to haf supper.. den mon.. he sent me to skool smmore.. slpt super little lahr him..

wells den suddenly went thru msges since skool started in aug.. every month or every week, there'll be super nice n sweet msges or we are happy with each other, playing, acompanying each other... tot everything stopped since dec.. but actually he has become more in action now.. =) it's really good... but i'll still miss the super, sweetest msges from him.. hahas.. greedy i noe.. wells i tink he's just too busy.. let's hope he'll be back in msges again!! n continue with his super generous acts lahr.. wahahas..

n last night he finally asked me.. i noe tis kind of ting is invite.. n it's up to me to go or not to go.. but i will want to noe if he wants me to go u see..? to be abit idiot or rational, the point that he asked alr means he wants u to go lahr? did i get it right tis time? hmm.. n he's just so damn afraid tat the wedding ting will surface again. wells, i mean to say it crudely, since it's an invite. there must be some time when u can 'entertain' me right? n u invited me there jus to ignore me, isnt tat abit wrong? weird? i mean i noe i cant ask u to be abit more sensitive to my feelings, noe when i nid to be cared for kindof ting, cos u r a guy, a true man.. (*meant to be sarcastic* hahas) so i just stop making a fuss out of it n trying to force u to understand what i'm trying to say to u.. i'm just gg to try tis one more time. at least now i now hw to read him smtimes after like tat day's quarrel. (isnt it like good if he cud haf toked to me nicely about it instead of keeping mum n let me cry until lidat?) if it cant work, i will noe wad to do next time. if it works out to be good, it's gonnabe super super good for us! hahas..

hmm.. wells.. hope will haf funZ.. n enjoy myself... =)

2009-01-12T22:15:00.003+08:00

i haf been waiting for him to ask me go watch his performance since last wk.. but not a word at all.. i really dun understand.. he's doing stg that he's so proud of.. but he nevers shares what's he's proud of wif me.. luckily all these are alr considered short events.. otherwise, i tink we will both drift apart..
first time cos ecpensive, second time forget, third time it's too squeezy..
perhaps to him. it's really a matter of squeezy n he wun be dere to pei me too. or it's just another unimpt ting. but y is he still so proud of it when he claims to be unimpt? guess he just needs a woman who's just satisfied wif just looking pics n vdos to share his proudness...? like those traditional xiao nu ren...

2009-01-09T23:49:00.003+08:00

hmm... glad smone was there to tok to me..
smone who is just like me.. but manage to cope it better.. maybe cos dey juz started, maybe not.. wadeva it is.. now i am determined to study hard again.. after toking to the person..

thru the tok, it brought me back to realisation that we cant change a person. i admit i've been trying to tell him to do this, shud do that. the more he's relunctant to change, the more i wan to change him. but the big big logic in tis world is tat we cant change a person. we just hafta keep it to ourselves, everything.

in anycase, yup. proven. he's a self-ctred person. in the past, i hope to tink tat he's not n he will treat me differently. sometimes he really did. i dun deny that he;sbeen treating me quite wellrecently. but actually, it's a naive tot.

what makes everything a sad ting is tat he just let me alone myself to cry myself. he said nothing. dumpedme in the car.

like i've always said to ppl, it's either u accept or leave. i wanna accept but at times like today i keep everyting to myself until i cant take it le need to let go. but haiz.

alrights hahas.. baileys baileys time time!!!!!!!!!

hmm.. having rashes everywher now. n came to realise actually i'mtoking rubbishwhen i;mtoking to him just now. it may seeemto him tat i make a big issue out of everything just to get attention just to.. haiz.. wells wad has been said is said.. hurt him.. n he hurt metoo.. i really haf yet to learn to accept a person like himi guess. BUT the main thing is i realised i wasnt upset about all those i've said. but i'm more upset about the attitude he has towards me.

all the bullshit ideal love life i wan actually it's difficult to get. n he bothered to msg hx but not me. i tot i will rcv hi msg. but wells i guess he's really too used to me finding him back. calling him back even after i cut the phone. he will just wait for me to do so. n hoenstlyy i'm tired after doing it all the time. y izzit or y cant he just make the first move?

hmm... wells.. realisation..

it may be difficult for him to care for me at such times when he's busy wif cheerleading n stuff. maybe i'm just not understanding enuf despite so many events of him being so busy. guess army, pageant n cheerleading. so far i've onli succeeded army. the strength to continue supporting him, hard to harness. it's difficult to expect me to accomodate to his busy scheduleall the time. the energy to support n accomodate. it doesnt come just by itself.

wells. guess it's just a big deep shit tat i got myself into n i duno how to resolve it anymore.

2009-01-09T19:30:00.003+08:00

how i wish the photo incident din occur
how i wish i can forget today
how i wish i shud haf ignored him further n not fan him wif qns
how i wish he loves me more than anything else
how i wish he loves me more than i love him
how i wish he noes wad i'm tinking all the time
how i wish he's like a little worm in my stomach n can reads mind
how i wish i can be sillier to be happier in tis relationship (i tot i'm silly enuf compared to many other gers le. but to him, he needs a even sillier ger)

i just wished today never exists!

yet again, friday night n i'm all alone...
there's nobody i can tell too..
hate tis feeling of keeping everything to myself..
y cant he just tok to me n let me release my emotions?
haiz.. shall go farrer road macs to mug alone..

2009-01-09T19:05:00.005+08:00

alrights he just left lidat.
i even had to chase after him just to get my goodbye kiss.

today is the 2nd worst day ever since yr 2009 has started. or perhaps the first time i'm actin abnormally in yr 2009. i just really feel ____. i've been saying tonnes n tonnes but he never noes how i felt. anyways, he told me tat even if he do stg, i wun feel better. WTF! tis is just another one sentence that contributes to the pile of hurtful stuff he said.

i noe i've been irritating. but he's been slping since he came over. my god. i bet he was waiting for stg tis morning. i really needed him to tok. last time he said i just hafta give him half an hour n he will forget everything. i dun hafta keep asking him wad's wrong. but it's been one whole day le.

i noe he's been responding wif his eyes close. really responding except smtimes he feel back to slp. oh mann. i really hate tis kind of feeling. y izzit lidat? do we really haf communication problem?

i noe since the year started he's been doing well in this relationship. exceptionally totful at times. n making the effort to come over. let's hope a new year is a new good start for us again.

but today, i'm damn damn sad. he doesnt hug me he doesnt kiss me before he leaves. n he leaves so suddenly. like he wants to come den come he wans to go den go. i wasnt even prepared that he will leave so suddenly n alone n with the tot of not coming back anymroe tonight. i tot we cud go makan at the book shop auntie dere before he leaves back to hall. but i was all wrong. y cant he communicate with me about stuff? y cant he tok to me n plans his time wif me n not make me accept his plans all the time? it's like he has planned everything n din even ask for my opinion.

i noe. gers shud be ignorant n silly. just listen n we will be blissful. i noe if today i hadnt been soo fan, tings may be good. BUT can u imagine? after all that he sees me in such a state he never bothers to ask me y n wad happen? y i felt lidat? is he cud put a little more effort in understanding hwo i felt, communicating more wif me, tings will definitely be better.

tis one deadful photo has caused me so much unhappiness. y cant i be proud of him like how proud he is of himself? y cant he be proud of himself when it's a photo taken wif me? y cant he be proud of any photos tat he takes wif me? photos photos photos photos photos photos photos photos.. goodness.. i never tot it'll be such a big huha for not taking photos wif me.. when i realise he loves taking photos at times, he din ask me to i was damn pissed!!!!!!! n he neva tot abt making it up. making it up n not let me feel bad n regret. he never regreted not taking photos wif me tat night too. sighs.. sighs sighs...

i was totally fine after the porridge he cooked for me. he din noe hwo to but he still cooked. it's like the first time i left the kitchen for him n not beside him. but who noes, he still feels abit wadeva in his heart i guess.. sighs.. i really duno.. i tot i shud be the one who is feeling devastating.. now it's him giving me attitude.. y is it always end up lidat? can he just tok!!!!!!??????

i feel like disappearing from the earth! from the people i noe!

2009-01-09T11:16:00.002+08:00

i tink for the past ten posts i'm really unhappie
all just cos of one ting
i tried to get out of it n now i'm back in

now dere's another ting to fret about.
damn sianZ..
is it really so difficult to wan to tok to him?

2009-01-09T11:08:00.003+08:00

wth did i do last night?

last night when i said "i'm not like smone who treat other things more impt than me lor. at least mine is onli a turtle n is he gave it to me one" den i duno y he just turned away. he din say anything sweet to deny my sentence. y cant he say stg to prove that i'm important etc. but he just turned away. i was damn pissed. i oso learn him to be ignorant, dun care. but at the end, i gave in again n tap him n get his attention. he NEVER once try to get my attention FIRST when we r in such a situation. i'm damn pissed n sick.

i've had enuf of the unconfirmation.
if he's gg to continue lidat, n relunctant to tok to me, so be it.
i dun understand y i hafta be treated lidat.
n i want to tok to him but he dun wan n continue slping.
WTF!! n he's slping well.

2009-01-09T02:00:00.003+08:00

was i unhappie abt the coming over part redundant?
cos he intend to come over de?

hmm.. maybe i was wrong for tat..

but my feelings.. hurt by ALL the photos..

2009-01-09T01:46:00.003+08:00

standing from the logical n rational point of view,
even if he comes over tonight n tmr,
there''s ntg much to do,
i nidta study.
but when he's over, i'll try to make time for him.
n it is definitely not rational to cab down right now cos it's costly with the midnight charges..
honestly, if a person is rational enuf (which means he's zero in love), he will not cab down at tis timing.

so i shud be as rational as him... to make tis relationship as peaceful as possible.. as natural as possible.. n as er xin as possible.. n as feelingless n expressionless as possible.. last two quite nasty i noe.. but haiz.. i duno wad kind of relationship is tis.. hehe..

i just wannabe a nasty mean ger tonight.. !

2009-01-09T01:11:00.002+08:00

darn it!
i tink i'm gonnabe super disappointed tonight..

will he prove himself to be a spoilt bf?

on tues night when i said i wanted to finish my work n go to bed. prolly not tok to him le.
but end up i still went to his skool to fetch him at like 2am. goodness. can anybody tell me y am i soo stupid?

2009-01-08T22:28:00.002+08:00

i feel like screwing everything up
n i tink i did it before i even feel like screwing everything up..

my mum is gonna leave me alone.. n yahr.. i finally got my wish..

maybe i need the courage to leave spore.. once i'm away i may haf the courage to lead a better life.. prolly looking at overseas internship.. otherwise i tink sia is the other alt..

maybe when i'm away, tings will be better for everyone.
for now, i will study hard.

since there's no one who cares, wad for care for others.
perhaps my mum, but too bad i've alr hurt her too.
it's just the lonely world.

alrights no slp tonight..
i'm veri behind schedule for tis wk..
sobs.. =(

2009-01-08T21:18:00.004+08:00

hmm.. i'm super upset now.. looking at the facebook.. i tell u it's the worst nightmare.. it's all the most devastating events that has happened for the past one year.. first is his pageant.. second his sis's wedding.. honestly i dun haf a decent photo with him.. n imagine his photo is always wif other gers... DAMN IT!! why izzit always soooo hurtful? cant he dress nicely to just take photos wif me? when i'm dressed prettily i dun hear him asking me to take photos too... i dun feel like toking to him over the phone just now one..
n tonight.. i tink i really spoil him too much le.. since tues i went down to fetch him, he expects me to fetch him today again.. he never intends to cab down to my place again.. i really spoilt him.. what i'm experiencing is totally all my fault.. it's me who spoilt him.. i hate everything that we haf built until lidat...

I"M VERYYY UUUUPPPPPPSSSSEEEEETTTTTT NOW!!!

NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME.. NO ONE... NOT HIM...!!!!

IT'S ALL THESE BIGBIG THINGS THAT HAS MADE ME SUPER UPSET N CRY ALL NIGHT LONG.. I'M TIRED.. !

SO BE IT.. DUN COME DOWN DEN DUN COME DOWN LOR.. he NEVER once cab down to find me.. i feel sooo insignificant.. really... all along.. when haf i been significant? from pageant to sis's wedding to coming over at ungodly hours?

I'M JUST BACK TO THE AME OLD PROBLEMS.. is he really meant for me? or i've been forcing it to be we are meant to be tog kind of ting? seriously i'm very negative about US.. i really dun wanna a relationship that 20 yrs down the road i haf alot of regrets n unsaid wei qu.. up till now, i tink we haf missed alot.. his pageant, his sis's wedding, the everytime we meet.. honestly i regret.. i regret that our relationship is in such a deep shit.. so shaky so unstable so unsure so difficult to believe that we r in a relationship when u look at the pageant, when u look at the wedding, when u look at the photos...

i tot i can forget it.. but tonight i realise i cant.. really cant control my tears anymore.. loneliness on the dinner itself is alright.. but the photos.. goodness.. it's just another CUT, CUT THRU MY HEART N I REALLY HAF NO IDEA HOW TO MEND IT.. the pageant ting took me 4months n up til now it became a bit blurish.. with the userpic taken wif somebody else.. ARGH!!! HOW SHUD I FACE IT? I REALLY NEED SMBODY TO TELL ME. I TINK ANYBODY WHO NOES MY RELATIONSHIP WIF HIM IS LIDAT, THEY MIGHT WONDER WHAT KIND OF SHITTY RELATIONSHIP OR WHAT KIND OF SHITTY MENTALITY I HAF FOR TIS RELATIONSHIP??????????????

is it really so that impossible for him to just come over n pei me? wad is he tinking? to save that money.. he's really spoilt.. i pampered him too much that i hafta suffer myself now.. haiz.. why? why? why did offer to fetch him tat day? TOTALLY SUCKS HIM!!!... SAD

Y IS MY RELATIONSHIP WIF HIM SO UNFORSEEABLE IN THE FUTURE? Y IS MY RELATIONSHIP WIF HIM FILLED WIF SO MUCH REGRETS? Y IS MY RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM IS LIKE REDUNDANT TO HIM? (rmb wad he said before when we quarrelled or tok over the phone some time ago.. i tink i'm veri hurt by it.. to him, seriously just like what he told me.. he's okie without it.. he wun be veri affected.. omgomgomg.. y did i end up lidat? y?y did i still push myself to try further when smbody ... ... ... haiz... i tot i've been nice.. been really nice to accomodate everything.. (I MAY SEEM TO HAVE MORE TIME THAN U.. TAT'S COS I MAKE TIME FOR U.. SO THAT TINGS ARE EASIER FOR U... NOW I REALISE IT'S DIFFICULT FOR ME...) perhaps i really give in too much that i dun tink for myself.. onli tink for him.. but he's not the kind tat will tink for me for everything.. so i guess i shud do some justice to myself.. I DUNO HOW LONG I HAFTA wait till the day when he noes how to tink for me for everything.. tat's de day i noe he's worth sacrificing n compromising for.. in this world, this kind of guy really extinct le? haiz.. pathetic..

perhaps i've been doing insignificant stuff for him, like camping in front of the com? hahas.. i really have no idea wad's significant to him? WAD'S MEANINGFUL TO HIM? COS WADEVA TAT HAS GOT TO DO WIF HIM, AS LONG AS I CAN BE OF HELP, I'LL BE VERI HAPPIE.. JUST CALL ME NAIVE LAHR.. HAIZ..

feel super awfull.. tink i'm gonna force myself to slp again... no point being so upset myself.. i nidtaa do justice to myself.. feeling hurt n upset alone is unjustice...

2009-01-06T22:47:00.003+08:00

hmm.. these few days i've been thinkin n thinking..
as it gets further from that day of loneliness, i feel better.. but in a way, i think i'm not facing it in the right way.. i duno wad is the right way or wrong way.. in any case, i'm not gonna let myself end up with the kind of loneliness ever again... esp when he's just close to me.. i'll try to get close to him lor.. (tat day was quite tiring after the morning stuff, kept keeping close to him until at night, i totally stopped trying) WORST scenario, i'll find other ppl to keep me occupied lor.. guess the worst scenario worked some time ago. n i tink it's the best solution so far cos i'm the onli one tat tinks it's a prb, he don't.

alrights tings r getting back to normal... after like 2 / 3 days..

it struck me tat i wasnt a good gf smtimes too.. been quite attitude.. n tat's cos i cant tolerate the kind of ignorance from him n loneliness he dunmped me in anymore.. n i really dun show alot publicly too.. i tot i will love those guys who show it openly even in front of their frens.. but bcos my boy isnt de kind.. i just stop doing anything too.. it's quite amusing if i'm the only one er yahr.. so wells, i duno how to make tis better without his efforts too.. hahas.. it's like taking photos oso cannot.. how else can i like.. yahr..

n i still cant get appeased wif the photo ting.. u din wan to wear until lidat tat day too.. it's ur mum forced u too.. n if normal days u bother to dress up abit.. everyday will be super shuai day.. but regardless, taking photos are just capturing moments... it's stg tat i might be able to rely on once u go norway too.. i still cant believe i haf such a ah gong bf.. still act camera shy sm more.. HAIZ.. i'm quite sick of toking to him smtimes too.. cos tok le oso like tok to wall lidat.. cos ntg will be done too.. n he always try to argue wif me n win in his arguments.. it's like "NO" i cant be like those sai nai gerger; he can't lyk joke n just do the silly tings.. SILLY THINGS! what silly things have he done for me?
*ponders*
*ponders*
*ponders*
*ponders*
*ponders*
*ponders*
cant tink of anything much.. perhaps my b'dae tat once was the only time.. =) sweet memories left.. maybe mine wasnt sweet enuf to him lahr.. -.-
but i tink i'm the really silly one in this relationship.. perhaps the one tat is at the losing end in tis relaitonship too.. cos ppl usually say te more silly tings u do.. the more yahr..
let's see..
1. i did alot of handmade stuff.. all my effort in it..
2. i went to his hall, not letting him noe.. bought him cough syrup n the water jug.. n left quietly not letting him now..
3. i go over to his hall at ungodly hours.. missing the last bus to his skool not only once but twice.. walked for 40mins to reach his skool.. the previous time was stranded in jurong east stn.. took a bus tat doesnt reach anywher near his skool.. hafta walked in sm ulu area den take a cab.. (the most silly ting i've done, missing all the tranport)
4. go over to his hall countless number of times, wait for him to finish his lesson, his cheerleading trn, n wadeva other trns, n his pageant preview... (add up all tog, i duno how many days i spent on waiting)

i dun tink i wanna continue tinking le.. wait tot of stg worse.. yahr.. n i;m tired le.. tink better go do my matrices n assignment den off i go to bed le.. yupyup.. dun tink wanna tok to him over the phone le.. cos i oso duno wad time he finish.. yahr.. my energy is totally burnt.. no more left after the continuos mugging of twodays.. n more is expected to come.. =(

oh mann.. i bought a mechanical pencil today.. was using the multi coloured one until my hand super painful... n i bought an expensive one.. hahas.,. abit farni oso.. onli left half a yr n i dun need it anymore lahr.. hahas..

headache just wun go away.. =(

2009-01-06T03:26:00.002+08:00

uber sad..
i dun like him..
i dun like him..

it's not my fault for not taking photos wif ya..
u din tell me tat night oso wad..
u oso never ask me to take photo wif ya..

so i not pretty tat night oso lahr..
u good!! dun like HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-01-06T01:13:00.003+08:00

it's super boring..
i noe i haven been studying.. today just started abit onli.. now tinking of where to take a break.. oh mann.. i really miss holidaying.. bkk, hk, sentosa huts,... just give me anywher.. i wanna go de wher.. er... the sandy beach area.. snorkelling all day long.. or phuket.. or kampong fishing.. or bintan.. oreven better paris, aust,... maybe a short one.. tis dec was a total sucky one? cos onli been to hk n no hols wif bf yet.. sobsobsobs.. i just need a short short getaway... haiz.. my bf is soooo nninteresting... =( he's just all stuck up in hall... in cheerleading.. (wanna hear my honest heartfelt words? i hate cheerleading! cos it took away all my time wif bf.. hmpf!) good tat it's ending ssooon.. but at the time which is the most crucial period lahr.. siANZ....!!!!!!!!

haiz.. daydreaming again.. one day dunno blog how many times oso..

gfs or bf better? or guy frens?

2009-01-05T22:06:00.005+08:00

hmm.. recalling the good stuff.. maybe can make myself feel better..

The 10 great things he has done for me for tis past week:

went to daiso n popular to get my stuff.. n caramel corn milk.. (it's damn yummy.. hahas.. i finished the whole pack le.. super hungry last night mah.. =P ) everything sponsored by himhimhim...
i get to eat good food when i'm with him.. tink when i'm alone myself.. i wun get to eat so much nice food.. tat day went to eat ajisen.. i noe it's expensive.. but he still brought me dere.. really yummY!! tink i'm in love with it.. hahas.. oops@!
the yakult that he offered.. like he never does one kies.. it's like his sacred drink.. hahas..
the psp game..
helped me to clean my creative mp3.. tho it was like reminded.. =)
fine i was stubborn.. but i din wanna start everything again.. he asked repeatedly to check if i was okie.. he was super lovely that night.. really super kies!!! (how i wish he's always soo lovely.. hehe) but he always chose the wrong time lahr.. (like everytime he noes i'm abit guai4guai4? when i really need to an wei myself n stop myself from crying?) he can be sooo lovely always right.. den hahas... sweet sweet..
i noe he carried me to the bed to slp.. i was forcing myself to slp tat night, n also i was damn damn SHAG le.. so i tink i saw him carry me to the bed.. cant be myself walk to the bed bah.. hahas.. first time in 2yrs.. (hahas.. quite a number of first time recently sia.. ) i dun mind more.. wahahahas... loved! (but stubborn me arh.. dun feel like toking to him "properly")
the kiss n hug i get when i was lying on the sofa.. stg tat really warmed my heart when i tink back now.. but at that point in time, i was too busy tinking other stuff..)
the morning calls tis morning which i din request for.. like the first time he willl bother to wake me up.. without me asking for it somemore.. again.. when i was like still unsure what to do.. if every morning he can wake me up, imagine wake up first thing can hear his voice le, den if he says stg super sweet.. WA!! i tink i will love him sooooooooooooooooooooooooo MUCH.. hahas.. but arh.. he din manage to wake me up tis morning lahr.. =( diaoZ.. shud haf called my house.. den will love him even more n more.. n i will be in time for lessons too.. hahas..
hohoho.. n i nearly forgotten.. my first 2 person steamboat wif him.. wahahas.. was totally bloated tat night.. hahas.. n he washed all the bowls.. omg loves him even more.. (nt i purposely dun wan to help u but aiya.. loves loves still)

omg.. i din noe.. i can crap so many good tings about him.. lucky u boy! but dun be arogant if u see tis.. u haf sm dead points which u refuse to make tings better..

u're my lover, my problem solver, my energy source, my atm (hahas...).. with you by my side, i feel tat i'm not so gan jiong at times n i feel more awake, energetic.. but the imperfect parts of u, makes me afraid of n cry about..

will u make tings happier if u can do stg abt it? =P hehehe...

2009-01-05T20:36:00.006+08:00

sudden tot..
it's so sad right.. suddenly got no more celebrations for ourselves le.. it's just like "peaceful".. the kind of wavy wavy, only above y=0 axis, alr finish lidat.. =( sobsobS..

hmm.. since it's the last sem.. shant gif it so much tot anymore.. it's been two days pass the unhappie event.. it's time to let go, forget.. i really dun hope it will come ever again..

tot shud really like yahr.. but wells, haven stop trying.. hope it's gonnabe a good one.. paiseh n shyness.. all go away... i hope i can.. no more regrets.. perhaps abit ye man.. dun care le.. hahas.. he angry den angry lor.. wahahas.. kidding lahr hur.. =P

compromise.. shit leh.. darn it.. i just let him off too easily le.. he din do anything i oso compromise.. wtf.. seriously.. i tink i will end up like my mummy.. tis shall be the last time.. i SWEAR! only lidat den maybe 20yrs ltr i will not bring it up again.. hahas.. alrights.. tis shall be motivation for me to compromise tis time..

i really dun hope to be like any of the mummy-S n keep everything until 20 years later.. i really hope i knock my head or wad n forget everything... hahas..

woopX.. 3hours le.. shit lahr.. i tink can onli slp at 6am le.. =( or even can't slp at all le.. super behind time.. =(

2009-01-05T18:12:00.007+08:00

had been thinking along the way to skool home n tuition

final tot:
it's best to keep quiet (but tat means u will tink veri negatively).
i tink i haf lost my stand or my pride in this relationship (cos i'm the ger in the relationship, which also made me veri tired. n cos i still hope tat he will be the ideal kind tat i haf in mind, it made me even more tiring. in tis case, keeping mum n stop thinkng dere n den do helps to keep peace. but tat means i haf succumbed to his attitude. which made me even more wanting a bf tat has the attitude tat i yearn to haf.

a relationship is shaped by two person.
the way he behaves determine how i behave.
the subsequent way of how i behave has also determined how he behaves?
what ever it is i suddenly has tis veri evil tot in mind:
if he hadnt been fighting against what i said, we wud be a happie couple.
everytime asked me wad i wan, but when i say it out alr, there's no difference. (does it occur to me oso? or he just dun demand or expect anything from me?)

oh mann.. i hate to start writing all these...
it's pointless... cos it's all my views.. my tots.. my wants..
he's not here to say anything..
even if i told him all these AGAIN (COS I DUN I REPEATED TIS HOW MANY TIMES?!?!), he just wun make any changes but want to fight against my words..
for countless of times i took his advice, his words, n argue further cos i noe i'm at fault somehow. but OH.. he dun realise tat it's his fault.. just realised my dad was lidat, tat's y dey ended up divorce now.. tis SUCKS totally lahr.. y r ALL guys lidat? dey never tink tat dey were at fault.
r we gers too greedy too? cs we changed for them, so we expect them to sacrifice alittle n change for us. tat's what i'm thinking now. n i tot it wasnt wad we gers shud be tinking. we can never change dem. over their dead bodies oso NO. in tis world, we gers are alr at a losing end. not over our dead bodies are we gg to change for them. tink it's time for me to lead the life i want it to be. tink the guys need the girls to lead sometimes too. (but dey r too stubborn. tok abt taking photos last night. i was crazily mad when he said tat. hello!!!! u said we arent the main spotlight on solemnization, in the morning ceremony.. i'm not gonna be sooo stupid to keep asking after kena rejected ssssssssoooooooooomany times right.. it's time u say u wan to take photos wif me... DARN IT!! hate u!! photos?!?! i shun zhe ni to not take photos le. now u complain.. UUUU gGOOOOOD!!!!!! he never noes how angry i am. cos i yearn so much to take MOOOOOOOORRRREEE photos wif him BUT HE HAD ALWAYS REJECTED MMMMEEE!!! I TELL UUUUU I'M SUPER ANGRIES!!!! REALLY!!!) WHY CANT HE JUST TAKE PHOTOS WIF ME WHENEVER WHEREVER.. ? (bcos of his repeated refusal n bullshit lotsa reasons, i am no longer myself when i'm wif him.. i love to take photos.. y lidat arh?)

just now had the tot of being cheery cheery n xin luan again,
but after toking over the phone and the "eh.. u wait arh!" the super rush kind of tone.. whao i tell u, my heart just sunk to the bottom. TOTALLY SUNKEN! i haf no idea how long it's gonna take to 'pick' my heart up again. cos it just hurts terribly.

n it was him who denied my status in his family (tat's recently),
not too long ago or since de start of our relationship, he has not been tinking veri positively abt us too. since the start, i was super sure about our future. but till a point in time, until now, i have lost hope cos of his continuous "unconfirmation". esp his words of denial tat he said when i quarrelled wif him tat time. "of cos i wun let it affect me", "what can i do if u wan to leave right? i cant stop u, i wun stop u" (tis is the first sentence tat stab thru my heart, n it was the first step to losing hope), "priority depends one" (tis is the one which i can hardly accept. imagine unless i die or get into accident, will he even put me first? or he wun at all? hahas.), still got lotsa sentences tat he said tat time tat killed it all. but i still stayed on. perhaps it's cos i stayed on, tat's y i'm losing my "power" in tis relationship.

in the past, i tot i cud just haf the mentality that "he has time, he will come look for me de". it helped me to survive thru his NS yrs despite i was feeling horrible sometimes. but i overcame it. now, tis mentality is difficult to hold

times like tis i finally understood xm's stand. i admire her courage to move on n found de guy tat truely suits her best. jess too. i tink dey haf taken a big step towards their xing fu de ri zi.

is it possible for me to have those xing fu de ri zi wif him oso?
it means i hafta take a bigger step too. compromising to whoever he is n his sometimes selfish mentality in a relationship. is tis bigger step able to lead me to the right guy? is tis bigger step able to lead me to my xing fu?

for de past 45min, i've been tinking n organising my tots. it's time to mature n nt anyhow end a relationship. it's time to tink carefully. really brainstorm. tis bigger step which all guys expect all gers to take n never will dey xin teng de gers n appreciate de gers who made such a bigger step. tis one person who is willing to sacrifice everything n compromise him.is it really worth taking such a big step n get appreciated? (tis is the best if the person cud appreciate her hardwork) if not, poor ger has to tolerate everything n keep everything to herself. i'm pretty sure tis is not only in my relationship. it's in every relationship. it's just a matter of time. mine, i tink it came pretty late. most of my frens haf alr been thru tat stage even tho my relationship is long than theirs. ironic isnt it?

sacrifice n compromise!?!?

anyways i tink i;m bad bad too.. i was really too occupied in tinking stg else tat night.. i'm soo sorry i've wasted the night away.. BUT REALLY I WAS TOOOO UPSET OR BUSY TINKING WAD AM I TO DO STUCKED IN A TABLE OF UNKNOWN PPL? TAT'S DAMN SAD U NOE.. IT'S LIKE I'M THE MOST LONELY PERSON IN TAT WEDDING DINNER.. i was really lucky to have ur frens tat help to distract me abit.. but somehow cried in the end.. lousy me still say cos dey bully me n since dey make me laugh until i cry.. imight as well let my emotions out right? otherwise i wun haf any other chance tat night le.. hahas...

PS: gotta study lahr.. i wasted one hour of my studying time le =(

2009-01-04T22:22:00.005+08:00

i feel like walking in circles in life...
it's like i xin luan le but the next moment same incidents or same tings will start again..
tings are repeating to the extend tat i'm even tired to tok abt it..
it makes me wonder is it worth to be xin luan?

even tho i noe tings wud end up lidat i still went ahead.. din wan to go.. but smone advised if i wan to be wif him in the future, i hafta go..

haf i been not facing the reality n not admitting tat reality is such a case?

mum took 20 years to understand and face it
i'm lucky to take less than 3years to wan to face the reality..
i haf no wish to solve or make tings any better right now..
let everything takes it own course naturally..
if it's meant to be, it is.

i haf just draw up my timetable for the week..
let's hope it's gonnabe a good week which i will achieve every single plan i haf made... =)

PS: will he ever regret not being wif ls if he sees how well tings are gg btw her n her bf right now? *wonders*

2009-01-02T20:56:00.002+08:00

hmm.. been preparing since 6pm.. but still dun tink i haf anything nice for his sis's wedding.. he din even bother.. so i just jiapalang lor..

damn sianz lahr.. i tink i've been too nice to him.. he's like the indians too.. rubber timing one.. or aimless, planless kind.. no specific time.. den i hafta keep waiting waiting at home doing nothing.. gave him the freedom to arrange stuff but like okok onli lahr.. dun complain too much.. wait he shoot back at me.. perhaps it's only today la..

oh wells, stg bad i wud say..
i tot he really so nice leh.. wan to haf dinner wif me.. was like believed in his words totally... until the conversation we had over the phone.. hmm.. actually he wans me to be there earlier to help.. =( hmm wad shud i choose to believe? partly both? but i rather he tell me he needs my help directly rather than hiding hiding than motive behind everything.. if it's me i wud be glad tat if he cud come over to help or he's expected to come over to help. so i dun blame him on the part wanting me to go over earlier to help. but if he cud say it out, it wud be best.. hahas.. women are lidat de lahr.. veri zhong shi minor details.. so let us be.. =P

hmm.. tat stupid lizard shud go die.. "pounce" on me in the dark sia.. damn gross lahr... neeways it felt like the toy lizard.. hahas... but still GROSS!!!!! =P

alrights off for macs.. =)

2009-01-02T00:05:00.002+08:00

hurts totally..

he rather play mj with other ppl than wif me..

wtf..
so what if he lose money to me or pays for my loses..
wad an idiot..
like do business like tat..
does he hafta be so rational when it comes to our relationship..
angries..

still cut my phone somemore..
angries angries lahr.. =P

i tot tings haf change for the better.. by the looks of the past few days..
looks like i'm totally wrong... TOTALLY..
he din change for the better..
still tinking for his own convenience... ARGH!!!
still tinking for himself only!!!!
hiaz haiz haiz haiz haiz haiz hiaiz=- oeirh yoiwuytb8 y lrkgjfbunfp.d[xdcvhbvjucixlp.

2009-01-01T23:19:00.002+08:00

hmm.. tink n tink n tink..

first day of the year i'm alr all alone.
darn sad ting.

2009-01-01T22:45:00.003+08:00

emo...
cos was all alone at home tonight..

hmm made a wrong choice..
but wad to do..

realised had been a long time since i wrote stg nice for him..
it's quite a sad ting to say tat we r both not de mushy mushy kind..
tho he maybe one before or he just lazy to be one..
tho maybe i'm one who is super super shy n paiseh..
we just end up to wad we are today..

let's try yahr.. !

for the past 28 mths, i've been thru alot wif him..
not to mention the unhappie beginning.. just the year 2008..
he's really one who has showed me what's kind-hearted and not a petty soul..
despite how angry he was to anybody else, he was still able to carry himself well..
when i angered him, he just kept quiet and not chao wif me..
rmbed those times in his hall when i cried terribly, if i had not been trying to ask him wad's wrong wad's wrong n asked him to tok n say what he's feeling, had he not respond to me, this relationship wudnt haf come so far. come to think about it it's quite a farni one. guess we both cant stand cheating on each other. we are just too honest to each other. i love!
all the times of unhappiness, the laughters, the cold wars, the kind of pushing each other aways, the kind of hugging each other, kisses, and unseen concern.. it's just too much to be summarised.
right now, i'm working hard to getting use to the not seeing him everyday. perhaps he's enjoying now with his frens, he dun even haf time to reply my msges. =(
aiyah.. but i really dun feel like quarrelling anymore. what can i ask for more righ? when for the past 3 days, i see him almost every minute he can make for me. tink about it onli, i felt the warmth; i felt the love. looking into his eyes, i can see his love for me. not forgetting me, not dumping me one side. love is really all about hoping. as a simple woman, i haf onli one ting to hope. tat's to find a man tat loves me truely n showering me wif endless care unconditionally; whenever i look into the eyes of this man, i know he's the one.
i hope he's the one. for i haven been observing until these few days. eyes can tok. i truely believe in it.

and many times i passed by any shop that sells rings,
i just ask myself to forget it.
it kindof hurts somtimes tho.
but i duno wad he's tinking.
perhaps the ring isnt tat impt,
it's how he treats me.
i haf no idea whether to haf or not haf the ring.
shud i be happie to be without the ring?
or shud i be sad without the ring?
din say anything in front of him, wanting him to noe it without my request like last time.
it's like impossible to get the ring back.
actually to be honest losing the ring is my fault. really.
sighs.

i really hope i can be a happie ger.
i really hope that in 2009 everything can be wonderful.
i really hope the two of us can trust each other n share everything wif each other.
i really hope we can be together, treating each other wholeheartedly.
i really hope i can get a second upper class.
i really hope i can find a good job upon graduation.
i really hope i can get a good pay.
i really hope i can make my life a fulfilling one.
i really hope i can get out of my shell n not be the little snail keep tinking about little tings tat hurts myself but doesnt even bothers him.
i really hope there's always stars i can see every night before i slp - it gifs me a sense of security, like a bedtime stories.
i really hope true frens stay.
i really hope my mum can be happie too.
i just hope everybody can be happie in everybody's presence.

ps: i sooooo wanna go esplanade to write my wishes on the white ball for the year 2009.

2008-12-22T14:11:00.001+08:00

i have a feeling he's gonna forget to reply my msg again.... =(

2008-12-22T02:25:00.003+08:00

today is the first time in my two yrs wif him,
i see him flare so seriously. so fierce. no joke at all.
i dun even dare to say anything lahr.

i noe how muuch he tried to put his family in his priorities.
n the usual him who doesnt plan his stuff is willing to plan his stuff tonight but wasnt approved. it kind of hurts! n how much he tried to come over tonight so tat he can pei me send my dad off in like 2-3hours.

hmm. 2days n a half and i'm off to HK. leaving deardear for 4/5 days. apparently i tot i'll be like super stranger to him le. but still duno why. maybe cos he really tried to come over these days. not like wad i tot he's totally ignorant n not doing anything at all. tho he might not be doing to the ideal smtimes, but guess it's better than nothing. such a mentality helps to make tings simpler. but can it make tings last? or gonnabe like my parents? until one day when everybody just decided to chao it out until cannot be happie together anymore?

i just realised i can be totally honest n straightforward in front of him.
but i never noe, when will de next ls or k to appear, so being really veri comfortable when with him? sometimes it's not cos of the worries n the facts sometimes. otherwise i tink i can lead tis kind of life. depression problem diminishing oso. it's just sm perfect lifestyle i haf in my brain.

sometimes like tis, i feel blissful to haf him next to me.
i duno why but today, i feel like treasuring him.
off to slp, in his arms,
him by my side.

PS: i really hope all tis is cause of the effort put in by the two of us, and not me alone.

2008-12-21T02:08:00.002+08:00

hmm.. i noe it's damn unfair to him for earlier remarks.. he did make the effort to pei me when i'm alone at home lahr.. like last night.. n bcos of sm luck, he gets to 'go back to hall tmr night'. so i get to have him by my side for another night.. *cries in laughter* tis is the usually what ppl call the bigbig surprise when i dun hope for anything. this is the usually what ppl call ' blessing in disguise'. hahas.. good job done tonight le lahr.. dun let it affect u so much, u u u !!! hahas.. dun haf den dun haf lor.. last yr of uni jiu last yr lor.. but still abit upset when i say tis.. hahas.. no choice.. who ask me chose such a gundu person?

emotions emotions..
cant be controlled at time.. -.-

2008-12-21T01:03:00.003+08:00

before i say those badbad stuff.. i must faster write down all the good good stuff today..
can feel tat he tried to reach out for my hands several times today (tho it's only veri obvious in the noon, night a few times but i tink he was alr hurt by stg or he too slpy le); bought me a new bottle (hopefully he's not gonna say it's my x'mas gift sia); bought sm books from borders; had a good dinner (esp after so many unhappie tings today).

hmm.. did stg bad today.. i noe it's a big taboo to do tat but i really cant control myself.. i mean i dont mind if he doesnt ask why.. but since i said it out, i tink i kill it all too. really sorrie to him. i just duno y everytime i will feel guilty. not oly when wif him, but myself oso. or i haf the feeling of like r we really gonnabe together till death kind of ting? when it's like... ... or izzit just all man are like tat? am i gonna end up like my mum? only when he has the need, den he will treat u "super nice"? other than while slpingi hate tis kind of feeling.. so today i decided to take a big step.. if he loves me tat much, if he loves me from the bottom of his heart, it doesnt matter whether we do it or not. let time proves it all.

i dun deny tat it feels good at times. but if without it, will he survive thru our relationship?

on the escalator, i felt we were strangers. we stand both on the opposite side holding onto the handgrips, like we duno each other.

thru out the day, i was hurt totally again n again.
his u***** has been taking up all his time such tat wkdays, i need to accomodate him always. it seems like the most important ting in his life now. tho initially he said it was for his stay in his hall, it was hell sianzation. but now, i really duno. when i'm gg overseas, when i come back from overseas, when i send my mum n brother alone n had to drag my feet back.. he's not around.. why? cos he had unisus.. i had no choice but to everything eat into my stomach.. he never understands how i feel towards tis.. he only noes tat he's making time for me.. tat's y even if i wan to tok it out wif him oso pointless.. cos he's not gg to be tat kind of a bf.. even his mum cant tok him out of unisus.. i'm really damn sianZ.. who am i to him? i wan to tok him into cutting his hair oso cannot.. tok him into dun go for unisus i oso cannot.. i'm such a useless gf..

i really am upset.. but i tried damn hard tonight to keep tings as simple despite i haf the feeling tat he's hurt by the rejection he got tis noon.. i tried super hard until one pt i really wan to gif up.. but i had no choice.. i just kept trying until tings gt a little better.. it's just another exampl wher i dun try to tok tings out.. everything will be fine kind..

n he doesnt understand tat it's my last yr of uni.. my onli half yr is gone just lidat until next jan.. when i can enjoy the everyday see him.. everyday no wk stress kindof life wif him before i grad next yr.. he doesnt understand how much i yearn to make my last yr in uni a great one.. he just keeps spending time on U****** such tat i really can say ntg.. he gave me the feeling that i just hafta take it.. no compromises at all.. U**** must have him all the time.. if not dey cant do the stunt.. our relationship dun haf him for awhile, it's just yahr.. i wan to be understanding.. i dun mind being understanding if he had give in a little bit.. but he din even gif me a chance to ask for compromises.. each time i ask for compromises, it's like all my fault lidat... 28 cannot go pick me cos gt u****, "hahas.. too bad.. .i cant go pick u up" wth is this kind of remarks right? it hurts damn badly.. damn badly.. not kidding.. * sobs * n thus it just contributes to another case of no compromises, i just hafta take it.. cant he excuse himself abit earlier jus to pick me up?

he doesnt noe y i always tink bad about him.. tat's cos he doesnt noe tat he has given me no hopes or false hopes all the time. so mush so tat i hafta believe, "dun hope too much, or i'll get more hurt". so tis time round i intended to stay at home these days before i leave for HK.. if he doesnt haf time for me.. i wun go look for him.. if he cant pei me yst to send my mum n bros off, it's okay i will do it myself, i told myself dun be angry, dun be upset if i hafta go alone, even if i noe i will be darn tired. if he ccant send me off, it's okie. i will send myself off. i din even expect him to go pick us up when we return. N yet everything, almost all except one, came true. i noe i shudnt be so upset. but seriously, i tink i nidta get myself busy so tat i will be tired n wun tink so much.

haiz.. wadeva it is.. i tink tings shud just carry on n we shall see how far it can go.. his attitude twds me n his actions twds me.. excluding the U******, i tink today will be a good day =)

honestly i duno y but it has dawn on me tat stg happened btw him & k****. if not he wun keep her msg w/ the word "dear". did stg happen tat i duno? it's stg i really wan to noe, but i duno how to ask.. upsets! =(

& i tink i'm a vinegar pot. =P

passed by tis book stall along john little today saw tis book wif definition of love which actually originated from bible i tink...

A. LOVE IS PATIENT. V4 (Long suffering) Even when you feel like forcefully expressing yourself. Love bears pain or trails without complaint, shows forbearance under provocation or strain, and is steadfast despite opposition, difficulty, or adversity.

B. LOVE IS KIND. V4 Even when you want to retaliate physically or tear down another with your words. Love is sympathetic, considerate, gentle and agreeable.

C. LOVE IS NOT JEALOUS. V4 (envieth not) Especially when you are aware that others are being noticed more than you. Love does not participate in rivalry, is not hostile toward one believed to enjoy an advantage, and is not suspicious. Love works for the welfare and good of the other.

D. LOVE DOES NOT BRAG. V4 (vaunteth not itself) Even when you want to tell the world about your accomplishments. Love does not flaunt itself boastfully and does not engage in self-glorification. Instead, love lifts and builds up others.

E. LOVE IS NOT ARROGANT. V4 (is not puffed up) Even when you think you are right and others are wrong. Love does not assert itself or become overbearing in dealing with others.

F. LOVE IS DOES NOT ACT UNBECOMINGLY. V5 (Does not behave seemly) Even when being boastful, rude or overbearing will get you attention and allow you to get your own way. Love conforms to what is right, fitting and appropriate to the situation in order to honor the Lord.

G. LOVE DOES NOT SEEK ITS OWN. V5 Biblical love is not selfish and self seeking. True Love does not try to fulfill its own desires, does not ask for its own way, and does not try to acquire gain for itself. Love, is an act of the will which seeks to serve and not be served.

H. LOVE IS NOT PROVOKED. V5 Even when others attempt to provoke you or you are tempted to strike out at something or someone. Love is not aroused or incited to outbursts of anger. Love continues faithfully and gently to train others in righteousness, even when they fail.

I. LOVE DOES NOT TAKE INTO ACCOUNT A WRONG SUFFERED. V5 (thinketh no evil) Even when everyone seems to be against you or when people openly attack you. Love does not hold a grudge against someone. Love forgives, chooses not to bring up past wrongs in accusation or retaliation, does not return evil for evil, and does not indulge in self pity. Love covers a multitude of sins.

J. LOVE DOES NOT REJOICE IN UNRIGHTEOUSNESS. V6 (rejoiceth not in iniquity) Even when it seems like a misfortune was exactly what another person deserved. Love mourns over sin, its effects and the pain which results from living in a fallen world. Love seeks to reconcile others with the Lord.

K. LOVE REJOICES WITH THE TRUTH. V6 Even when it is easier and more profitable materially to lie. Love is joyful when truth is known, even when it may lead to adverse circumstances, reviling and persecution.

L. LOVE BEARS ALL THINGS. V7 Even when disappointments seem overwhelming. Love is tolerant, endures with others who are difficult to understand or deal with, and has an eternal perspective in difficulties. Love remembers that God develops spiritual maturity through difficult circumstances.

M. LOVE BELIEVES ALL THINGS. V7 Even when other's actions are ambiguous and you feel like not trusting anyone. Love accepts trustfully, does not judge people's motives, and believes others until facts prove otherwise. Even when facts prove that the other person is untrustworthy, love seeks to help restore the other to trustworthiness.

N. LOVE HOPES ALL THINGS. V7 Even when nothing appears to be going right. Love expects fulfillment of God's plan and anticipates the best for the other person. Love confidently entrusts others to the Lord to do His sovereign and perfect will in their lives.

O. LOVE ENDURES ALL THINGS. V7 This is one of the hardest to practice. Especially when you think you just can't endure the people or circumstances in your life. Love remains steadfast under suffering or hardship without yielding and returns good while undergoing trials.

P. LOVE NEVER FAILS. V8 Even when you feel overwhelmed and the situation seems hopeless. Love will not crumble under pressure or difficulties. Love remains selflessly faithful even to the point of death.

hmm.. it's just smtimes defeats " love is selfish" .. and all the wonderful acts to show how much u love a person.. sighs.. even how great love can be.. vulnerable.. =( smtimes, i tink tis kind of tinking alot kills everything btw me n him.. but i guess it makes me grow n understand myself n him better... so let's see when our fate can last till.. until the day when he super super confirm abt us and hopefully changes alittle tat shows how much he zhong shi me, i still haf the feeling of ... ... ... =(

PS: catholics had a good time together in a relationship? cos they haf the same views of what love is? =)

2008-12-19T01:49:00.005+08:00

was super happie for the past two days..
tho everything was good n he's been really good.

but i was feeling super sick when i was over there
super heaty n feverish when i was slping those two nights.
but had no choice but to force myself to slp.
throat? drowns..
ulcer.. super huge yet still eating without abstinence..
water.. hmm.. kept drinking when i'm awake..
in short, just feeling sick lahr..

but still stuubborn go n look for him..
ended up the 40min walk is a TIRING one..
i had to like let the bangala walking in front of me to make sure tat i'm walking fast enuf..
otherwise the longer i take i will just end up dunwan to walk n sit anywher le sia..
n it's a damn eerie pl to walk alone at night..
duno will see any guai guai bangala or china ppl..
insects? dark jungles? haiz..
damn sad...

sick le still go find ppl..
n nt ppl come find me lahr..

tink smtimes i'm too over le..
keep gg over & slp wif him until i tink smone oso look down on me le..
damn sad.. damn sad.. !!!!!!!!!

haiz..

n the neverending vulgarities from him..
abit sick of it le leh..
tot at first i can also use vulgarities to fight back..
guess i haf no choice n haf to treat it like it's just the way we live wif each other kind..

hmm.. actually felt loved at times too leh..
the kiss on the forehead before he leaves the room.. it may be a small action but it definitely has left a deep impression..
lunches & dinners & maggi supper..
come n walk wif me despite tat short distance n my angry tone.. but i was really angry mah.. =(
hmm.. ate subway at WM.. but as usual leh.. everything stops at bkt batok.. looks like i nidta gif up hope le.. y cant he be free on wkdays? perhaps cheerleading is really killing everything.. n even if he doesnt haf cheerleading.. wad's the next ting tat will come to his mind? me? family? mj? frens? sighs.. my theory of ri jiu sheng qing.. ?!?!

how did we started?
a veri good qn tat every once in awhile i will start to qn myself..
but never got to noe y we gt tog? hahas..
i tink i'm crazy.. cos tis whole relationship.. i wan it to last yet i duno wad tis relationship is there for me? cos i tink i had all the wrong concepts to start wif. childish little ger? maybe. i nid smone to tok to me again.. =(

emo night maybe cos he said he will come over tonight if he plays mj.. but i dun get tat feeling leh.. yahr.. so duno how oso.. tot i will wan to meet him at night tmr.. n i go dwn myself tmr oso.. but the journey back is damn long n boring leh.. will he be altruistic n pei me in like 2hrs? sighs..

"i-duno-wad-to-do-situation" =(
silence or noise?
i chose silence tis time.
it's quite tiring if i keep pestering too...

maybe it's unfair to say lidat.. cos cabbing v.ex.. wells if tt's de case i duuunno lahr..
will there be anyone else tat will come just to pei me? i just nid a shoulder to lie on.. n slp on the way back.. entertaining i oso dun mind sia..

2008-12-06T20:25:00.003+08:00

i finally understood why i need someone to pei me all time long le.
cos the house tat i'm in seriously is damn chui - i only realised today lahr.
facing my mum, psycho-ing her telling her n stuff i'm just dead tired.
it's always at tis kind of time n point of time, i need someone's shoulders for me to rest on.
n asking to see him everyday is actually an excuse for me to be away from home.

i really hate to write the letters now.
damn irritating..
i really dun like to write but who can i turn to.

is it a must for u to be at home today?

2008-12-02T15:25:00.001+08:00

i controlled in the end
it turn out good in a way

hope everything goes well

n hopeS night n morning msges will be back soon too..

2008-12-02T11:44:00.001+08:00

tings are repeating repeating!!! i just wanna burst into tears to noe tat smbody has 13 photos wif him. but me? pathetic few. i just wanna burst into tears again to noe tat when i was sick, i'm all alone despite he's in singapore. yet he bought porridge for smbody? *STABS in heart* argh!!! dun like tis feeling. i tried to tink positively at least he attempt to "call" me on msn yst. at least an attempt to show that he knows my presence. was quite fun. but he just love to hide himself. can't even see him at all. darn it. lidat what's the diff from typing? the pic was like cant even see anything! little ting but.. yups! see see how tings goes into unhappie mode so easily is it just me? i keep tinking that tings can be better really alot better y cant we be just like super loving n just super loving? i was loved totally in the wkend, i noe. i dun deny. n i blogged damn long about it. but i just cant help but burst into tears now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-12-02T11:04:00.001+08:00

the emo mood has set in
tink alot again

good night msges? long gone..
morning msges..? long gone too..
wake up calls? long gone too..

u only tink of urself..

tis time i'm tinking:
when i was sick u oso din make the effort to come see me lahr.
uber sad.
it was the umpteen times of stomachache n headaches n fever
but still ... ... tat somebody din even come over to pei me..
den smbody sick onli buy porridge =(

sadsadsad.

i'm gonna nao shi zong today.

2008-11-27T19:42:00.005+08:00

had a long talk to him.. cant hold it back anymore again.. afer every 4 days we'll quarrel once.. he's tired, i'm tired..

he's just such a person..
i cant take it anymore..

whatever it is..
just let it be..

i haf these symptoms which spells i haf depression:

I feel sad.
I feel like crying a lot.
I'm bored.
I feel alone.
I don't really feel sad, just "empty".
I don't have confidence in myself.
I don't like myself.
I often feel scared, but I don't know why.
I feel mad, like I could just explode!
I feel guilty.
I can't concentrate.
I have a hard time remembering things.
I don't want to make decisions - it's too much work.
I feel like I'm in a fog.
I'm so tired, no matter how much I sleep.
I'm frustrated with everything and everybody.
I don’t have fun anymore.
I feel helpless.
I'm always getting into trouble.
I'm restless and jittery. I can’t sit still.
I feel nervous.
I feel disorganized, like my head is spinning.
I feel self-conscious.
I can't think straight. My brain doesn't seem to work.
I feel ugly.
I don’t feel like talking anymore - I just don’t have anything to say.
I feel my life has no direction.
I feel life isn’t worth living.
I consume alcohol/take drugs regularly.
My whole body feels slowed down - my speech, my walk, and my movements.
I don't want to go out with friends anymore.
I don't feel like taking care of my appearance.
Occasionally, my heart pounds, I can't catch my breath, and I feel tingly.
My vision feels strange and I feel I might pass out. The feeling passes in seconds, but I'm afraid it will happen again.
Sometimes I feel like I'm losing it.
I feel "different" from everyone else.
I smile, but inside I'm miserable.
I have difficulty falling asleep or I awaken between 1 A.M. and 5 A.M. and then I can't get back to sleep.
My appetite has diminished - food tastes so bland.
My appetite has increased - I feel I could eat all the time.
My weight has increased/decreased.
I have headaches.
I have stomachaches.
My arms and legs hurt.
I feel nauseous.
I'm dizzy.
Sometimes my vision seems blurred or slow.
I'm clumsy.
My neck hurts.

those ugly complaining posts seriously dun work.. n dun trust them.. cos they seriously senseless..

but i dun deny the super long ago time when i can still encourage other ppl to give in all they can will still work..

i will help myself over this
i'm gonna change n become another cheerful happie person. =)
even better than the time when i first started out with him.

making the decision not to see him is hard.
but i tink i really need it.
no point dragging.

let's hope that his silemce is really cos he duno what to say.
prolly he will noe better after he do sm research n gain sm knowledge like what tina said.

but i will not hesitat to let go if he tells me he wants to let go.

i must get on the way of my own.
i've been slacking n depressing for too long.
it's time to wake up.
i will try to build the cheerful me back again.
i will.

loves tina..
suddenly i felt she's really a good fren tat i've yet to appreciate her for long..

shucks lonely still..

2008-11-27T16:43:00.004+08:00

tis whole week is sucky..
totally suck to the core..

just had subway wif jolene..
loves subway mann.. it's just so damn nice n yummy..

i tot tis wk he will shower me wif unlimited loves n cares tat i've never received for long since he's not busy wif skool wif hall activities wif work. but am i wrong? i really need the actions from him.

hmm realised he's a gamer..
he rather spend the time to game..
late into the night n woke up late for our date..

he's a movie/drama lover..
he rather stay at home to watch movies n dramas rather coming over earlier.. leaving his house before i end skool.. to surprise me n "fetch" me from skool.. he din tot of tis small little tings tat will make my day.. saddeningly, he called to ask me to go look for him at amk instead.. still recalling when he was having skool.. i make the effort to go all the way there to look for him.. wait for him to finish his lessons n come back to the room where i'll be waiting for him.. BUT wad has he done for me? any little encouragements? now. he's still watching his show.. later den decide kind of ting.. trust me.. he's gonna say he's not coming over le.. n i'm prepared to start the fight again.. saddened isnt it, it's like the only week he'll be free cos other ppl having exams but he finished his.. next wk guess all his hall activities will start le.. he's gonna gif me the crap reasons again.. n today cos he was gg for a dinner.. he din wan to tell me last night.. n just tell me he's gg to stay at home.. but actually he has a dinner wif his hall ppl.. he's hiding stg.. he's trying to hide it from me.. =( wad am i suppose to do? tis isnt the first time alr..

i dun wanna blow tings up really...
but am i left wif any other choice?

can we tok peacefully over it later?
i really hope it's gonnabe be a tok only..
i dun wanna cry over anything anymore..
for him, i cried too much too many times..

if he's gonnabe lidat for long,
i dun tink i can take it.

anyways,
perhaps he's still yet to grow up.

2008-11-26T00:04:00.003+08:00

i'm losing hope..

i tot i did alot to stay by ur side..
i tot having u by my side i'll be contented..
but ur heart is so occupied wif so many tings that i'm tired to keep fighting wif those tings to haf a stand in ur heart.. tis is not the kind of love life i wanted.. i wanted someone who gifs me unlimited care n warmth..

i loved you soo much cos all along i tot u put me above everything.
but as time passes, ur frens, mj, ur game, all the little tings has surpassed me.. i'm no longer the first ting that comes to ur mind..

tonight cos we wanted to go eat dou hua tog but ur dinner duno end wad time.
and again, i waited for ur reply for an hour, just like tat day when we agreed to meet for dinner - ichiban tat day. if u recalled, tat day when u want to mj wif hx n mxw, u deem it as a matter of urgent ting so u had no choice but to keep msging thru out the dinner wif me. but today, i hafta wait aimlessly as usual. can u understand wad i'm feeling?

can we both work for tis relationship? only one person working for it is not enough.. it wun last..

PS: i really miss tat sat tat just passed. i hope time wud stop at tat day. u being so sweet n nice to me.

2008-11-25T17:00:00.001+08:00

totally upset leh
cos just like yst til now
i kept quiet n never get angry in front of him
everything is okie lahr
damn sianZ..

2008-11-25T16:02:00.003+08:00

i'm super upset cos my itchy hand still go call him again.
i noe he want to say he juz woke up only ( n yes! he just woke up onli.. angries.. )
so i cant complain about him not toking bla bla bla.
sighs
y am i so cheapskate.
gg over to look for him he also take it for granted.
everything also take initiative.

what's left between us?
no love, no care,
only taking tings for granted?

lidat, am i suppose to let him go?
cos i'm tired. n he doesnt want to make tings better.
despite i always try to after every quarrel, he dun usually do anything. to an extend tat i felt trying so hard yet ntg to encourage me yet still wan me to continue. can u just gif me sm kind of encouragement? instead of everytime just keep pointing out my faults ONLY without any encouragements at the end. i don't need someone who doesnt noe how to comfort me.

since duno when u wan me to tok,
but u never wanted to change.
all the while, u expect me to get use to ur wadever so called usual behaviours of urs.

for the past 24 hours n more,
i dun feel any love from u.

at the end of each day,
r we even connected?

2008-11-25T15:40:00.002+08:00

he always expects me to noe that at the end of the day we will be together
n expects me to be satisfied with the absence of little words n actions that will cheer me up
after each quarrel, i still feel so detached as before. cos he never tries to show more concern after each time n expects me to kan kai myself. not like all those who really love their other one. =(

2008-11-25T10:34:00.002+08:00

tot about it
decided to delete tat entry again
perhaps i shud gif him peace
but it's just gonna repeat the same old ting
i tot cos it was his pageant tat time that he has no time, he's tired, has no attention span on me.
but last night prove it all wrong.
pageant, tired and everything was nothing but only excuses.

(if u read tis, dun try to compare urself n hx, cos at least he will look for lj yst. he will msg her yst. not like u, whole day, not even a single msg in the whole afternoon. wad do u mean by tat?)

let's just gif him peace.
i'm tired of keep making the effort to catch his attention.
if he never noes how to make me feel i'm in his attention,..
guess let time tells it all.

i shant msg him ever again before he does
i shant call him ever again before he does

i shall look for my frens to seek solace from
i really miss that playground outside chris's place now.
never missed it so much before.

i tink he saw that entry
he wanted to type stg
but he left it blank
wells.

i duno wad to say anymore.

cos i tot i took it veri positively yst.
first time nvm.
but the second time just hit me like hours later within the same day.

i hate mj to the core.

2008-11-25T09:57:00.002+08:00

a day that sums up to nothing
am i suppose to keep calling n msging u so that u will cai me?
or even i call le oso pointless..

good night msges
sweet sweet msges...
they haf all extinct all cos of someone who tinks that he's not looking for excitment anymore.
haiz..

too negative tots..

den how am i suppose to reACt yst dens..
smbody mj oso dun tell me..
mj0ing oso cant msg me..
until later gt abit.. but den still died oso..
he dun even wan to tok to me yet i tried to call him twice..
seriously am i so cheapskate..

i've decided to do ntg..
really ntg..

i've been forcing myself to slp..
i wish i can slp all day long..

2008-11-24T22:05:00.002+08:00

feels all ladies can be veri good frens
cos they haf a common goal
a lovely caring partner of their lifetime. =)

even tho she might haf done all the nasty bad stuff to me,
but i still feel like huggin her n tell her it's not worth crying over guys.

if not for him,
i tink we will be veri good frens.

ps: i cried so much that every mon my eyes are puffy n i look lethargic everyday.

2008-11-24T21:56:00.002+08:00

i miss the see-saw outside chris's house alot alot..
i wanna sit dere chill thruout the night...
whenever i can..

lotsa misses!!

he still duno wad's wrong..
uber upset..
n still tink he's right..
but at least he made the effort to ask me "wad's r u doing?"
so slight *grinz*

2008-11-24T21:32:00.003+08:00

i dun understand
wad's the difference when my bf is in s'pore n when my bf is not in s'pore?
cos at the end of each day, i'm still alone.
dun feel cared for with the least msges he can gif each day.

2008-11-24T19:09:00.002+08:00

i dun understand y
it takes two hands to clap
cant we just stop fighting together?

u dun hafta flare, u dun hafta.
cos i din flare at u.

plus today
i'm hurt totally.

waiting for someone's msg..
without a reply at all..
tat feeling sucks!!

a rainbow a day keeps me happie everyday!

2008-11-24T13:21:00.010+08:00

a rainbow a day keeps me happie everyday!

perhaps he din noe the existence of this blog

tats y he kept saying i only focus on the small little bad stuff.

but wadeva.

hmm this is one of the days when i was pei-ing him to study but he peeped at me.. hahas.. never concentrate to study hur... =p

hmm.. i never regretted meeting him on sat.

had a great time.

saw tis pretty little rainbow while we were on our way to novena. lovely, aint it? =)

went novena buy luggage bag, walk walk find slippers.

came across tis super giant crab legs lahr. see the photo n u will noe. it's even longer than my head. hahas..

den went to eat bak kut teh. was quite full so i suggested let's go walk walk. hahas but i duno wher to go. so deardear brought me to kent ridge park. never been there before. but the view is superb. definitely much much more better than mount faber. n it's more windy n cooling too. =) a good place to end the day wif =) if everyday were to be lidat, wudnt it be just too great to complain? hehe..

n tink back again.. i din wan him to send us back yst de lahr.. damn sianz.. but aiyah.. was raining.. at least he still make the effort to send us back lahr.. never leave us there..

really relunctant to say tis now... cos he din even bother to reply me the whole afternoon.. am i not allowed to even get angry?

2008-11-23T20:51:00.000+08:00

yst was the loveliest night smhow the distance between us was zero i felt super loved yst pictures says it all.. however today i din meant to make things so worse but at the end of the day how come it still feels like i'm the onli one at fault if i dun make such a noise tings wud be fine all along it has been lidat. darn sad cant u admit tat it's ur fault sometimes n tell me that u will change for the better? must it always be a fair ting? cos u did tat so i need to do tat oso?

2008-11-19T16:01:00.000+08:00

people who are really in love will become sha sha de. they will do alot of silly tings for the other on in their life. tinking back. i've done alot of silly tings. i'm de silly ger. goodness. will i find the person who will shasha de wei wo zuo hen duo sha shi? =) was opening n closing window cos rain den stop raining, and it repeats. closed the window cos it's raining. open the window cos tink it wun rain again. but who noes it rains again. if i din expect it to be sunshine good weather, i dun hafta close the window again. just like i have lotsa expectations of him, but he just din meet my expectation. realised, i've never treasured myself good enuf. never been truthful to myself. xi huan zi ji suo you de yi qie > cai hui you zi xin > xiu chu zui zhen chen zui gan dong ren de yi mian never try to hide my true feelings, when can i ever do that? was blogging half way was quite upset by my mum honestly, i duno wad she wants. if she continues this way and i still listen to her nonsense, i'm just gonnabe be like that ger of the divorced parents - sick. i nidta getaway. i dun wanna face her anymore. this hone is just full of unhappiness. stay until so unhappie n tired. was still thinking wad i wan to do after graduation. guess i tink it's time to leave my mum's caring shelter and support myself. no longer tink of furthering studies. i've never been so clear of what i wan to do. _ _ _ here i come... =)

2008-11-19T00:36:00.000+08:00

i noe it's bad to say this, but i dun care. which ger dun wish for a super duper caring bf? i am one of them. despite every quarrel, tat's cos i tot dere's improvement to be. but if by quarreling then i can get the ideal bf i want, it's bad. what more is, quarrel already but still dun get my dream bf. reached a stage of disheartenment = numbness = dun feel like doing anything about it le = maybe tat's better. there are still all the images of good stuff that you have done for me. i appreciate those things you have done. really loves the you who did those lovely stuff for me =) wells gues by saying whatever i want to do out loud is pointless cos i'll still go back to what i am. so i shant say anymore. hopefully everyday is a happy day. =) so here's stg happie! he showed little concerns by asking haf i eaten my dinner? have i reached home? how's my lesson le? n he asked me out for a date asked me to go roller blading tis wkend asked me to go for his sis's wedding food sampling. amazing! i finally return back to the me.. whom knows how to appreciate small little things.. if it's meant to be yours, it will still be yours at the end of the day. anws looking at xm's blog i tink she found the right guy! seeing her so happie in the pictures, n all reading all the stuff he has done for her, she made the right choice. lj found the right guy too but guess they still need abit of communication. but she has found the right one. it's happie to keep seeing ppl found their mr right.. =) *grins*

2008-11-18T13:09:00.000+08:00

i tink i haf just fallen too deeply for you.
but i dun wish tat it will become a burden to you.

each time after we quarrel,
i start to doubt my ability to stay beside u;
but it heals back fast.

cos each time we quarrel,
i'm am so naive thinking n hoping that u fits into my ideal bf pic; i keep asking u qns that i haf negative answers for when it's not ur true heart felt feelings;
i forget to put myself in ur shoes. yet i always hoped u wud put urself in my shoes;
i just wan to whine to u n wan u u hug me and tell me it's gonna be alright, we will face it together and gif me a warmth kiss on my forehead.

just want you to know i love you loads still.

2008-11-18T08:41:00.000+08:00

the necklace (the first gift)

the ring

the necklace

the pooh bear me & him

moody..

cos i dun haf anything of the above anymore.. it's either spoilt or lost.. =( oh.. except for the pooh bears me & u..

totally chui today. puffy eyes. neva go for lesson. slpt in the afternoon happily. never study at all. need to start studying sia cos haven even finish tmr's assignment =(

deardear's having his exams right now. goodness.. am i too immature for him? am i really sick?

2008-11-18T05:49:00.000+08:00

i'm an immature, childish, irrational, silly gerger. popping questions at inappropriate timings, lots of assumption made by myself, filling in the answers that may not be the case, bringing troubles n onli troubles... it's just horrible & incorrigible... i guess it's some kind of an illness where some chemicals produced in my body which makes me so upset. hormonal hikes maybe. seriously, i tink tina got it before. quite scary when i tink back last night. but i'm just so upset whenever i tink of the fact that my ring is lost. it just brings back memories. when it was still close to me, i've never recalled that scene ever again. now i miss that jack's place which i tink has closed down. presious ring! =( and we just dun believe tat we will put each other the top most priority & we will pei each other forever n ever right? is tis how it's gonna be like? cant we do better than this?